Is terrorism really a threat or are you just on the right side of the acorn?
With all the media bombardment it's not hard to believe that terrorism, specifically islam based terror, is super dangerous and super everywhere, but I got to thinking, "reallyz?".
So I did some half-ass detectiving and mathing, because investing your entire ass(et) into one, single thing is an unsound financial practice.
First! The stats! I'ma use numbers from 2011, because hey, it's over.
Anyways, numbers, yes, I'm just going to throw them out there, and once they've gotten a taste for air, I'll move on to the skewing and misinterpreting. Bear in mind some of the contributing numbers are from underdeveloped parts of the world, so precision is an illusion, just like when I do open heart surgery!
- Terrorism related deaths in 2011: 2800-3000 (wow, this isn't that much. more people probably die in chainsaw accidents)
- Terrorism related deaths since 9/11 (when the western world all suddenly realized there was horrible shit happening): 10,000-12,000
bonus facts that make you think, because terrorism doesn't count when america does it.
- Iraqi civilian deaths in 2011: 4000
- Iraqi civilian since the start of the war: 100,000-130,000 (documented). Some survery/counts go as high as 1,000,000, but no where does it say they only count human bodies; nobody ever thinks about the shmillions of iraqi ants that lost their lives...
wait a minute, ants? Ants live in the ground...sometimes ants live in trees...trees grow seeds...seeds which squirrels eat. Now we're getting somewhere!
- Number of squirrels in the world: Estimates are around billions
- Number of squirrels who've comitted terror related acts: None so far documented...but it's only a matter of time.
Acts of terrorism claimed the lifes of about 2900 people (this really is nothing. About 1,000,000 people die a year in car accidents, yet where's the "war on Toyota"?). Acts of terrorism defined as... well I couldn't really find a solid definition. If I jump out from behind a bush and scare an old man so bad that his heart implodes from the terror he felt when I jumped out at him, does that count as an act of terrorism thereby making me a terrorist? Probably, but I'm just going to take the numbers at face value... for now.... Anyways, as I'm sure you've figured out, 99% of said acts were perpetrated by muslims (the others are scandinavians), and there are 1.5 billion muslims in the world (less than squirrels. Worried yet?). That means .00019% of the muslim population enjoy runing at people screaming, "allahu akbar", and then esploding. That doesn't sound very dangerous, especially when you think of how many squirrels are on your property right now, probably 2 or 3. And every night, they watch you, and they learn.
Maybe right now you're saying squirrels aren't something I need to worry about. To that I say that's probably what the dog in this story was thinking until he didn't think that anymore because he was being 'gutted by squirrels'.
And what's the next logical step after disemboweling the canine population?! Poland! I can see them now gathering in hollowed out trees across the northern hemisphere, scheming. Talking of national socialism and the jewish infection. The Chancellor of Squirreldom, his is most likely Hitler reincarnated as a member of the sciuridae family, stands behind the oaken pulpit with the veins in his neck bulging and his eyes wide, squeeking at the top of his little lungs, "Today squirreldom! Tomorrow the world!". The crowd seethes like an adorable enraged ocean. The squirrel shock troopers march in endless rows to the drums of war. Their faces grim. Behind the dull, black sheen of their eyes a menancing horror dwells.
The image of a cute squirrel in a public park hunched over a seed, nibbling ever so innocently will be forever replaced by the fiery visage of the ubersquirrel, the truest master race!
All hail our furry tailed overlords!
I mean really, what did you think 2012 was going to be about. Aztec zombie ghost apocalypse? Get real.
FUN FACT: the worst place for car accidents in the world is the middle east. I wonder if they count suicide car bombers as traffic mishaps.